I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
