tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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