not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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