Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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