your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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