I showed him my bush... on skype.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
