I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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