I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
