im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
