Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
