he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
