My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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