I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
