I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
