I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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