i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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