My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
