If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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