I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
