no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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