Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
