Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
