dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
