If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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