I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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