That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
