Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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