walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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