My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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