It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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