Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
