Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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