It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
