He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
