Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
