let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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