I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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