I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
ttyl tear gas
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
