I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
