she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
