Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
