i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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