I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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