Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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