I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
