he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
