Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
