I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
