Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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