i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
