I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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