My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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